Is Gratefulness not Honest???

Not long ago I wondered how I could answer the question about my teacher's training honestly without complaining.
I just sat down and wrote down a list of concrete good things that happened to me today at school, and without long meditation I could name 13 (!!!) very concrete, very individual, very good things (and I don't mean things like I had enough to eat and nobody murdered me; which are of course also things to be very grateful for!)

So the honest answer is:
Everyday there are loads of good and fun things that happen! Well, yeah, teaching itself is not my favourite occupation, but can I tell you a cool thing that happened to me today...

I've thought that I had learned the lesson to be grateful in all circumstances a loooooooong time ago. But different situations reveal different hidden flaws.

Holy fire, burn away my desire for anything
that is not of you but is of me!
I want more of you and less of me!
Empty me and fill, won't you fill me with you!

Weißensee-Impression

Da sag' nochmal einer, Weißensee sei nicht schön (und eine Reise wert):Und ich hänge in der Bude rum und bereite Unterricht und Examensarbeit vor!
Aber nachher, wenn ich Pause mache...

House Warming Party

Here just some pics:


Invitation

Most beautiful room-mates ever... Food:

Game:

Beautiful people:

What do you want - Epilogue

I have something to add (apart from the fact that we have internet at home finally!!!):

I think it is very often not about the way we choose; I think God is much bigger than that. I think it's about our relationship to Him. That's all that counts. So, when we are afraid to make a wrong decision, to choose a way that might not be His plan, it is - I think - very much fear about having to face consequences we don't like.

Sometimes God doesn't speak that clearly. We have to make the decision based on the mere trust in that He will love us whatever choice we make. So, make a decision, stick to it, and stop complaining about what is connected to your decision (that's just the lesson I learned lately. Wait. I have been learning...)

We are not victims to our circumstances. We have the choice (I am quoting a close friend here.)
So, for me practically that means at the moment to stay where I am, and finish my teacher's training. And learn all the good (and hard...) lessons God has prepared for me there. And to accept that as my choice, and thus - to stop complaining (which I find really hard, frankly speaking. What is the non-complainy answer to the question how I like my teacher's training when the honest answer is "I hate 98% of everything that is connected to it?" Well, I'm learning...)

You know, I could have left. Tried to get another job somewhere. And God wouldn't have loved me less. I don't even think that I would have terribly messed up His plan for my life. Because it's just not about where I am but about wherever I am how my relationship to Him is.

Well, for me it was just important to realize that God doesn't force me into anything. I CHOOSE to obey; and have to take the consequences: Embracing the difficult things (which all work together for the good anyway), and enjoying all the good things God gives.

I'm so grateful God never stops working on me and wooing me! Man, I would have given up on me a million years ago...

What do YOU want??

I feel like God is asking me that question.

There are so many things to do, opportunities to seize, situations to endure. What's the Father's will for me? How can I know? How can I be sure that the decisions I make, the ways I walk on are His?

What do YOU want, Kerstin?

You COULD go out into the streets evangelising. You COULD lead worship tomorrow. You COULD stay where you are. You COULD leave. But what do YOU want??I give you many options to choose between. There are many ways you could go. But what do YOU want?
Do you know what you want?

I think God is not as rigid as we (I) sometimes think. I guess I've adopted kind of a fatalistic attitude of "whatever...", confusing passivity and not standing up for what I want with doing His will.

I'm learning that it is really NOT good to let life just happen to you. God gave us DOMINION over the earth. Guess, that's quite active.

Well, I'm just thinking out loud. And wondering: What exactly DO I want??

Drawing Closer

During today's worship while we were singing "I'm searching for you, draw me closer to you, I need your presence" (which I sang wholeheartedly because that's been my most intense prayer lately) God was asking me, "How much time do you actually take to draw close to me? How much room do you really make to search for me, to come close?" I was a bit amazed about that because I DO pray a lot, actually most of the time, whatever I do. So God went on, reminding me of the songs we were singing at the beginning of the service in which we proclaimed that He is great, almighty, ruler of the world. And again I was puzzled that God would pick at that because I had also sung these songs with all my heart. So He asked me, "When was the last time you proclaimed that I am the Almighty just for my sake and without wanting me to fix one of your problems?" Well...

I had the impression that that word was not olny for me alone, but that it was actually also one for the congregation. The amazing thing was that not only I got that word but that two other women and one guy also got impressions that said very much the same. And guess what the sermon was about: Searching God in your all day life.

I've been stuck lately in whining about things that have not yet come. That I can't see God's glory in that country, that everything is so slow, that there is not only no revival here but that church actually feels close dead. That I am AGAIN stuck in a job I just don't like (I'm really wondering how much molding my character stills needs...)

So, what God was asking me this morning was, "How much time are you willing to invest into being part of making it happen that my kingdom can come?"
And He didn't mean running around, being busy doing something for Him.

I think His question for YOU today is, "Are you willing to just seek my face? Are you willing for me to come at my time and put something on your heart?"

Well, I am not exactly what you call patient. So when God doesn't speak within about two minutes after I started praying, then I'll do. And by doing so I often just miss what is on His heart and am instead babbling about what is on mine. But don't get me wrong here: God loves to hear what's on our hearts. We just need to watch out that we don't become self-centred, feeling righteous at the same time.

Well... at least I have to.